Surgery, Panic and You: A Cautionary Tale

Scheduling surgery is a piece of cake, right? Unless you're me. I have to think of all kinds of things. Stupid things.

It makes perfect sense that I have been up at night for the better part of a week trying to figure out what to do with Things 1, 2, 3 & 4... I mean... they're my children. I'm supposed to know where they are, what they're doing and whom they're doing what with. And in my absence or medically induced coma, I'm still responsible for that.

And speaking of being responsible, who will drive me to this little procedure? Mom? Our Fearless Leader? Certainly not me, myself and I. Well... I could drive there, but they won't let me go home without a chaperone. Given my panicked and half-crazed mood of late, maybe I would actually be a better drive while still anesthetized? I guess we'll never know.

Things we'll never know, or need to think about... yeah. Um. Ladies? Have you ever had to schedule a surgery for anything other than a c-section? That's the only surgery I can think of that you wouldn't have to schedule around.... You know... the crazy aunt who seems to find you at nearly the same time 12 times a year? Yeah. That one. Do you know how hard it is to schedule around her schedule? Fun times. Fun times.

And what about once I get home (assuming I get to come home on the same day - and what if I don't?)... what will be for dinner? Who's gonna cook it? I'm fairly certain that if I can't drive, I shouldn't operate small appliances. (You have read my pancake story, have you not?) For the sake of all that's holy, I should not set foot in the kitchen within 24 hours of The Procedure - combustibles and consumables don't mix well with a drugged up housewife with a drain and stitches in her neck. Ewww.

I also made the mistake of googling The Procedure (specifically a thyroid lobectomy) - all I can say is no one should google anything before donating themselves to medical science. It is possible to know too much. I wonder if they have drugs to make me forget? Will my insurance cover them? Before or after the deductible?

What about the bills? Are they paid up? Have I done payroll yet? Is payroll the same week as The Procedure? Nevermind the fact that The Procedure is an outpatient surgery lasting 1.5 hours and I'll likely be home the same day... this stuff can wait! Or can it? Will I need to hire myself out as an Outpatient of the Evening to meet my deductible? What about my blog? What about my fora? What about picking up the mail? What if I die? (Did I mention this is routine outpatient surgery?) What if my vocal chords are damaged? (My kids might go for this one. In fact, they might pool their allowances together and pay the surgeon a little something under the table... Hm. I wonder if I've paid allowances recently?)

So many questions, so little sleep.